Do you remember?
by Slytherin Gypsy
Summary: *SB/RL SLASH!* Remus remembers his first V-day with Sirius... Or is there something more important? (Response to the SB_RL ML Lupercalia challenge))


Title: Do you Remember?  
Author: Slytherin_gypsy  
Originally Posted: SB_RL ML  
Spoilers: To POA  
Rating: R  
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me unfortunately… I make no money with this.   
Feedback: slytherin_gypsy@hotmail.com

First try at Sirius/Remus. That's what happens when I keep listening to Mandy Moore's "Only Hope."

~*~

There's a song that's inside of my soul

It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again

I'm awake and in the infinite cold

But you sing to me over and over and over again 

So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands

And pray to be only yours

I pray to be only yours

I know now you're my only hope 

Sing to me the song of the stars

Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again

When it feels like my dreams are so far

Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again 

So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands

And pray to be only yours

I pray to be only yours

I know now you're my only hope 

I give you my destiny

I'm giving you all of me

I want your symphony

Singing in all that I am

At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back 

So I lay my head back down

And I lift my hands

And pray to be only yours

I pray to be only yours

I pray to be only yours

I know now you're my only hope

~*~

It's Valentine's Day, love. You should see the kids here at school. The giggles, secret notes, chocolate smell and kissing noises are everywhere. Everyone seems so… happy. Where we once like this too, Sirius? Young? Innocent? Now it seems so hard to believe we once were even _us_. Remus and Sirius. Moony & Paddy… Friends. Lovers. Mates. 

The bed is cold tonight. It's been cold for twelve years now, but I can't stop hoping you'll be here sleeping next to me in the morning. Do you know I still keep the pajamas you wore on our last night together? True, you didn't wear them for long, but they still smell like you. Spices, sandal and sage. Saliva, blood and semen. Repulsing and arousing at the same time.

Do you know I cry every time I remember you touching me that night? I felt so dirty afterwards, knowing that you had probably told Voldemort by then where Lily and James were. But I can't forget it. Licking, biting, sucking, moaning, touching. Your eyes shining when you came and your lips murmuring the words "I love you." And why, after all you did, do I still want to believe in it?

__

Do you remember Sirius; our first Valentine's day, back in fifth year? You got me chocolates. A fancy box of Madame Venus's Vanilla Chocolates. I still have the box bow; although now you can hardly tell it was once blue. You wanted to seduce me that night, didn't you? You had everything so well planed… I still remember the hurt in your eyes when I said I didn't care.

~*~

"I don't care about Valentine's Day."

Your eyes became full of pain and I could see your grip around the box had tightened.

"Why not, Moony?" you asked, trying to understand why I was acting so cold.

"It's meaningless. Just a holiday the stores made up to sell chocolates, flowers and expensive non-sense gifts."

"Non-sense?" You barely whispered. Oh, how I wished that moment you had shouted. "Is that what you think? I thought that…" You lowered your eyes. "That today could be special for us. That I could…" You sighed. "I'm not good with words, you know that. So I thought I could show you how much you mean too me. How much I… how much I love you."

__

~*~

It was the first time you said those word to me. I was so surprised I couldn't say a word to you before you left, hurt and sad, leaving the chocolate box on the floor.

You didn't come back to diner. First time in five years you missed a meal. James was too busy with Lily to notice and all Peter could do was stare at that blond Hufflepuff he had a crush on. 

I sneaked out ten minutes before midnight, not even bothering to ask James for his invisible cloak. The school must have been full of couples that night. I could even imagine Filch's face when he found the state the Astronomy Tower would be in the morning.

I knew exactly where to look for you. The last place you thought I would go willing not being a full moon.

The Shrieking Shack. 

__

~*~

"Go away."

I sighted. This wasn't going to be easy.

"We have to talk." I said in my kindest tone

"We have nothing to talk about. You made your feelings pretty clear, I can assure you."

"Padfoot..." I had never meant to hurt you love, I swear...

"You know, for a while I actually believed there was something between us. Something more than stolen kisses at midnight and snogs in the Common Room. I even thought maybe you... Made you felt the same way about me."

I could see the tears you refused to cry. And the mere sight of them was breaking my heart

"You're important to me Sirius, never doubt that! Do you think I would risk loosing the best friend I ever had if I didn't love him so much I had at lest to try?"

You turned around, eyes full of hope.

"Remmie..." My name sounded so good on your lips. Innocent, pure. 

"I love you. I do. But things are not the same for me. Valentine's day doesn't matter. That doesn't mean you don't."

One look was enough to know I made you feel guilty.

"I'm sorry I overreacted Moony. It's just that..."

It wasn't your fault. I had to explain.

"I am a Werewolf Sirius. It means I'm different."

Now, that made you angry. You never let me talk about myself that way.

"It doesn't matter to me, haven't you realized that by now?"

But it should have Sirius. It should have mattered. Because at that time I still thought you were human.

"Maybe not for you, but to me it means too much. Especially where you are concerned."

"Are you scared you are going to hurt me?"

"No. I'm scared I'm going to hurt us both. But I have to... Oh, God! I love you so much I have at least to try." I closed my eyes, trying to gather my strength. I wouldn't wait another year. I couldn't wait another year. "Do you know what day is it?"

"Valentine's Day."

I shook my head in a silent no.

"It's past midnight. Valentine's Day is over. It's already February 15th."

And I knew nothing was going to stop us now. I had made my choice.

"It's Lupercalia."

~*~

I can still remember your eyes widening when you put every piece of the puzzle together. Sometimes I thought you knew more about werewolves than I did, especially after that night. The way you touched me, the places you kissed me... Like you always had known how to make me growl, how to make me come. How to make me claim you as mine.

The wolf inside me couldn't decide what was sweeter, your blood or your seed.

Do you remember our hands enlaced together? Do you remember the sounds you made me make? Do you remember the felling that surrounded us both when I was finally inside you? Do you remember the words we shouted when we came together? Do you remember all the promises you made that night that you broke?

I do.


End file.
